I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
