i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
