i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
