my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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