I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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