Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
