1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
