I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
