So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
