i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
