a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There are leaves in my underwear?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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