just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
