why didn't you poke me back
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
