Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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