There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
