no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Vodka?
Forever.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
