i was born a porn star she said
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
