Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
