tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
