I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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