Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
