You can't special order awesome
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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