Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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