I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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