i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Your cock deserves a montage
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
