That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
