i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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