All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
