I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
