We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Even my vagina gasped.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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