We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
