Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
