You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
