I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
