I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
