OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
