so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
