can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
