mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
