Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
