dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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