Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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