The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
