my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
