I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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