FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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