why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
