sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
