The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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