So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
