New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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