I'm so fucking centered right now
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
