mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
